GRATITUDE…
To S&S, for the most cherished gift of my life
To R, for the sword through my heart
To DT, for holding me through, well, whatever it was
To DN, for showing me that justice does actually exist
To (I’m sure began with a J), for unknowingly giving me a line of of words, that inspired me to begin to write some more
To R, for always believing my truth, even when I could not believe it myself
To S, my other other half, for a whole lot of love, a love lot of laughing, and for our being there for each other whenever we needed
To Jmou, my twin, for togetherness, even and often from afar
To J, for your friendship, non-judgment, love, inspiration, and your total awesomeness darling
To N, who showed me that love can penetrate any wall
To DF, for being so close/similar/funny/kind
To The CSGs, 
for sea swims, cake and tea
To SW, my very last ‘student’, and AK, for the when I needed it
To LaaLaa, who after exactly one year to the day, of going it alone, held my hand to the last
To Po, for Insanity

And, with absolutely no doubt at all, from us all: to the angels and saints of the NHS. I tried it, and just didn’t have the strength. I have no idea how you do it. But we are all so very deeply grateful that you do.

MUSINGS… (and they may come and go)

I saw a Facebook ‘meme’ the other day, it had a lovely black and white photo of a woman and a cat and quoted from Friedrich Nietzsche: ‘Ultimately, it is the desire, not the desired, that we love’.
I wonder, whether what Mr Nietzsche might have also meant by this is: rather than saying ‘I love you’ it might be more truthful to say perhaps ‘I love the way that I feel, when you are around’

Can’t you hear it? Won’t you hear it?
Life is terrifyingly hammering on your shell!
And whispering softly, “come out, come out, it is safe and beautiful out here”

ALL OF THEM…
Left or Right, Black or White, Woman or Man
Rich or Poor, Quiet or Outspoken
Top-dog or Underdog, Young or Old
Jewish/Christian/Muslim/Hindu or any other
Good, bad, right, wrong, victim, oppressor, victor…
Are you feeling pressured to choose a side at present?
I am!
So, I choose the vulnerable and the innocent every time!
and they exist in all of the above ‘sides’
ALL OF THEM ! 🤍

It appears, that in my healing process, I needed to get rid of half of my clothes and buy some books
And maybe you’ll need to cut your hair and do the impossible
Or maybe just rip it up and start again, and again
Or maybe carry on and see it all differently
(how on earth could we know)

In my opinion…
The mind can’t ‘know’ anything
What we think to be known,
is only really: understanding
And, as I understand,
understandings can change
So what knows?
The body knows
Which of course includes brain
But not mind
Mind thinks
Body knows
Mind thinks it controls
And sometimes I suppose it does
Nobody knows
But body knows

I think that I can say with a little confidence now, from my life experience at least, that through almost overwhelming pain and suffering, when examined (and supported by others) a most profound joy and delight can be emerge. But, I believe, if left unexamined or unrecognised, trauma can lead to fear, dishonesty, dissociation, pain, hiding and vulnerability etc. And by nothing other than cause and effect, and/or the downward spiral of the energy of life itself perhaps, the abused can become the abuser. And on it will go. Until annihilation. Which might just be, exactly what we all most deeply needed.

In then end
when faced with
absolutely no other option at all
But to face it
All
Alone
Then it became clear
And it was nothing at all really
For me at least
But that of course is my story
Yours will be different

They all believe they’re ‘right’, right?
Maybe then, nobody is ‘wrong’, right?
Then perhaps all we actually need is to recognise the importance of perspective?

I think I realise now that self enquiry is exactly that, self enquiry!
As in, you alone (with as much support from others as needed)
Because no one can tell you what/how/when
No one has your answers
Only you

In 2009 (or so he tells me because I’m totally shit with dates) I saw a man, across a pool, at a yoga festival of which I had no idea what I was doing there. And although I had not a clue who he was, an intelligence within me (that I didn’t even know was there, let alone was able to hear) knew that this was the man that when eventually we would come together (for all the wrong reasons by the way) with whom we would travel the most painful path together, would eventually find a most deep and profound love that I (/we perhaps) could never have even dreamed of.

Through my own personal experience, these can be the only people that I can currently recommend (I am sure that there are plenty more out there if you look)
If you are looking for a Meditation Teacher: (Po can I add your website here please?)
If you are looking for a trauma therapist: (DT may I add your website address here please?) I found IFS to be very helpful
If you are looking for a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist: (LC may I add your website address here please?) who might refer you to…
If you are looking for a female therapist to help with historical sexual abuse: (MJ may I add your website here please?)
If you are looking for an amazing chiropractor who will not use cracking and clicking if not needed: (DJ may I add your website here please?)
If you need a medical negligence lawyer: (DN should I add your email here? Im guessing you are probably busy enough)
If you live in the UK and need legal advice (especially with regard to builders and heating engineers) and you can’t afford a lawyer: Give Citizens Advice a call. I found them to be incredibly helpful
If you live in North Norfolk and would like to improve your fitness: (DF would you like me to add a link to BF here?)
More will be added as and when

Words written by Other Humans…
that I enjoy at present (and these may come and go) I do not personally ‘know’ any of these writers, so will not state who the quotes are from until I have their permission to do so. Unless they are dead of course, and then I’m pretty sure that they will not mind.

’Anything that is not love
is only a visitor to your body.
You are not anxious,
stress is simply flowing through you.
You are not permanently depressed,
sadness is simply visiting you.
You are not lost,
confusion is simply wandering within you.
And you are not broken,
pain is simply passing through you.’

‘I think one of the biggest places of healing needed around intimacy and relationship is the way we experience speaking uncomfortable truths to others.

The simple fear that if I feel the need to tell someone something that I think they won’t like or appreciate—that I won’t be safe, that I will be judged, that I will be made wrong, that I will be attacked.

These fears of not being accepted with love create so many distortions in the way we relate with each other—all these places where we compromise our authenticity and manipulate, avoid, or cave in on ourselves because of the fear of it not being safe bring to our truth.

I am committed to being a safe space for the speaking and receiving of uncomfortable truths. It doesn’t mean that it will always be comfortable for me, and I might not always do it perfectly—

—but to me, it’s more important that you know I am a person who values your truth more than my comfort. And that if you’re being courageous enough to come to me with an uncomfortable truth that could ruffle my feathers—

—ultimately it’s reflecting to me that you care about our connection. And that, is intimacy.’

“We have a tendency to think in terms of doing and not in terms of being. We think that when we are not doing anything, we are wasting our time. But that is not true. Our time is first of all for us to be. To be what? To be alive, to be peaceful, to be joyful, to be loving. And that is what the world needs most.”
~Thich Nhat Hanh

‘The last time we spoke I meant to tell you that I think you’re incredible. But the words got stuck in my throat.
You should know that I think of you all the time. You deserve to hear it said aloud, so I’m sorry for not saying what’s spilling out of my heart.
Everything I do these days is with you in mind. I’ll walk by a beautiful home and imagine us inside one of our own. I hold off on trying new restaurants because I know I’ll enjoy them more with you. Postcards become places I envision us vacationing.
I leave myself notes of questions to ask you, or things I found funny that I know you will, too.
You’re the best, most beautiful part of my life. Woven into the fabric of my day.
Sometimes I talk myself out of telling you how proud of you I am. Kind words weren’t something I heard often growing up, so they still feel awkward and clumsy as they leave my lips.
It’s easier for me to write them down.
So, I hope these words land just the same.
I hope you’re reading this in my voice and hear it how I do – I’m so proud of you, sweetheart. Life grows so hectic at times, and I’m sure you feel as if you’re spinning your wheels, wondering when it’ll get easier, or if all your hard work is worth it.
I see the way you push yourself and how life sometimes pushes back.
I see the way exhaustion shows up too early on long days. You look in the mirror and joke about how tired you look.
But you should know that all I see is your strength.
Your eyes look like home to me.
All I see is the rest of my life.
If you ever, for even one second, feel as if you’re not doing enough, please know that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’m sorry I didn’t say this earlier,
when we spoke, but you are incredible.
I'm here, whenever you need somewhere to rest.
I'll remind you again then.‘

‘A dry, browning, withering leaf still attached to the stem sustains marcescent relations with its tree. Marcescence names arboreal practices in which fading leaves no longer draw nourishment from their trees, and yet are kept in place, mesmerized in their wilting, unable to fall away as winter howls its piper's tune.
Something about marcescence hints at dominant practices, especially in justice-oriented movements, of seeking greater freedoms, greater expressibility, greater access, or greater representations within relations that no longer nourish. Within epistemologies that incarcerate futures. When this happens, when our labours are concerned exclusively with seeking more 'freedom,' we risk fortifying marcescent dynamics. We risk reproducing patterns that exceed the immediacy of resolutions.
Transformative differences may not always be tied to seeking greater freedoms or greater stability within familiar worlds. Quite to the contrary, it would seem that it is in the falling away, the descending, and the waltzing to the earth, that potential new worlds unfurl.
Cracks portend some kind of crossroads captivity: one has to be carried away, shapeshifted, crossed out, and 'taken'. From the perspective of marcescent freedom, this falling away might look like pathology, like something to be fixed, like an unfortunate deviation from proper society. But there's perhaps nothing more promising to the otherwise, to the prospects of new subjectivities than a leaf that has fallen off. The monstrosity of a fallen leaf, torn away from its tree, is a prophecy of forests yet to come.‘

‘when they want to
control you
they do not come
with shackles
made of iron
they come instead
with cages made
of shame and story
like the one
about the woman
who earned crisis
for her curiosity
so tempted by a life
of wisdom and independence’

‘There is only the dance. So are you dancing now? Do you know what the dancer knows?
Here is what this dancer knows, now that the still point of this turning (dancing) world has come and gone. There is only the dance, and so we need only to dance. Forget your wounds, your grief, your longings, your anger, your envy, your pride – forget them: there is only the dance. Step out of your head, and into the dance. Dance with the sea, with a tree; dance with the wind and the rain. Dance yourself into the world; dance yourself into belonging. Because belonging begins at the moment when you give yourself over to the dance. Belonging isn’t a place, or an idea; it’s not a person or a tribe. Belonging isn’t a rulebook, or a set of skills to acquire. Belonging begins when we offer ourselves as partner in the long, slow circle dance of the world. Belonging is our dance with fox and deer, with badger and hare – our dance with crane and crow. Step out of your head, and into the world, and offer yourself up to the dance.’

‘Life is short and the world is wide dear heart’ (I heard this on a sweet Netflix series)

‘There is no such thing as a totally conscious relationship because the very nature of relationship is to draw forth the unconscious and realistically one cannot draw forth the unconscious without acting it out at some point…
This is all part of the healing, it is not a failure, it is the very fire from which the phoenix rises…
So what determines a conscious relationship?
Simply put, it is a relationship in which the conscious always gets the better of the unconscious, it is an arena for constant shedding and surrender and this can only happen because of the committed intention of both partners that is supported by their respect and love for each other…
You cannot have a conscious relationship with someone who is not ready to release their false self image, the desire for liberation has to be greater than ego’s fear of annihilation and just as importantly, the desire for the other's freedom has to be greater than the need for possession and ownership...
There is no arrival in a conscious relationship, no fairytale forever after... It is a journey of evolution of two souls upholding the highest in each other and that contract has its own timing.
This is not a relationship for the faint hearted, it takes a warrior spirit because there is no room for hiding, no face to mask, no receptacle for projection, no one to blame, no one to make you whole... At the end of the day there is only a mirror of you facing you and in that facing, if there is compassion for self, the divine marriage takes place within.’